i was a lonely soul, but that's the old me

[willowed]

Nuriko had been smiling all day, and now all she wanted to do was tear her expression off entirely. That wasn't how this was supposed to go, right?

Three days ago, the gigai that Urahara Kisuke had promised her was completed. As instructed, most of the body didn't differ in the slightest from the one Nuriko had grown up with — her features were untouched, her figure still slender. Slight curves were applied to the rest, lending it that feminine softness that no amount of careful movement could have grasped fully. Looking at it had been like both staring at a piece of art and examining a corpse alike.

Strange, how being born anew had almost felt like saying goodbye to herself.

The first couple of days were faced with bright optimism. Yes, everything about Nuriko's day was a little clumsier with her center of balance suddenly thrown. Some of her clothes no longer fit, and she had yet to master heels again. But these were all pains easily suffered in the wake of having the body that she had wanted for so long, that she had been willing to beg Miaka to help her obtain. Right?

It wasn't that Nuriko wanted to turn time back. It wasn't that she regretted the choice. But every morning felt like being chained in an unfamiliar host, and that ownership that she expected of her body had yet to settle. Not wanting to disturb Rin with the anxiety in her chest, Nuriko had taken the night off work and ran off in the direction of the boardwalk, arms wrapped around herself as she tried to catch her breath.

At least the sun dipping down under the horizon was familiar.

Comments

[herownway]

"Wow," she said, squeezing Nuriko's shoulder, because that was about as intelligent a comment on that as she could manage. The other stuff she had experience with, but this part was entirely new on her. Identifying as a girl had been such a help in separating herself in her head from Peter, she thought she might have gone insane if she'd had to resolve something like that. But that was just her.

"So it really is a tough choice, huh? It's not just... getting the right body, like if you were a woman in a man's, it's an actual decision, because it could be either?"

[willowed]

"Yeah. For a long time, I was really convinced that I was just a woman in a man's body. I didn't hate my body or anything, but I was always falling in love with men, and men who... wanted women. So that's why my original body became inconvenient," she shared with a small smile. Now that she was looking at it all in retrospect, it was pretty simplistic reasoning. But Nuriko also didn't feel entirely separated from it.

It made her wonder how much weight she put into the fact that Rin was also someone who probably preferred being with a female body.

"But after a while, I realized, when I'm not thinking about other people... they're both there. Nuriko the man, Nuriko the woman. And I stopped becoming so desperate about wanting to change myself. It became easier to accept other people, too. This might sound terrible, but it became easier not to have a choice once I realized who I was. Now, I'm wondering how I can do this and still say that I loved myself as I was then. It's all getting tangled up in here." Nuriko tapped a finger against her temple.

[herownway]

"I think -- I don't know, I'm no expert -- but I think, I don't know, being a person is all about change, right? Every moment you're alive you're becoming something new."

It was how she'd always managed, after all, that line of thought. She wasn't Peter Parker. She was Jessica Drew. And Jessica Drew was less Peter Parker and more her every moment that passed.

"It doesn't mean what came before wasn't you, yeah? And- so maybe that applies, even when the change is a little more extreme. Like getting a new haircut doesn't mean you hated the old haircut."

She paused. "...I do feel like that severely understates the issues at hand so, um, maybe ignore the haircut analogy. Strike that."

[willowed]

Nuriko blinked for a moment before dissolving into laughter, reaching out to tuck some of Jessica's hair behind her ear.

"No, it's a perfect analogy. I've never liked making out the things that happen in my life to be heavy. The people who are able to laugh at what happens in their lives and treat it more lightly are... the happier people, I think," Nuriko said, nodding to herself. For the sake of everyone who had been in her life and had passed, Nuriko felt it was better to smile and enjoy the time she was given.

Raking her fingers one last time through her hair, Nuriko rose to her feet and leaned down to hold out a hand. The speed of the movement made her dizzy, but even that felt fitting. The sort of giddiness that came with cementing a new friendship.

"You shouldn't call yourself a thing, you know. I don't think I'm capable of loving things quite this much."

[herownway]

She froze in the middle of taking Nuriko's hand to help herself to her feet, and had to look away from a moment, squinting eyes suddenly stinging.

"I don't know, that one lady married the Eiffel Tower," she said as she resumed getting to her feet, trying for lightness but having to work to get every word out, just about.

"Um," she added, and put an arm around Nuriko for an awkward one-armed hug. "Thank you, though."

[willowed]

"I don't even know what the Eiffel Tower is," laughed Nuriko, finding more of her strength and hugging Jessica tightly around her shoulders. She could hear a tightness in Jessica's words, but it didn't seem like the bad sort. Just... overwhelmed with happiness, perhaps.

Nuriko felt pretty overwhelmed herself then, and by the time she pulled back from the hug, she was rubbing at the corners of her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Why are you thanking me? I should be thanking you. But, you know... I used to be in the hero business. Kinda. So if you ever want someone to have your back when you're out there saving everyone."

She smiled, raising a shoulder.

[herownway]

"You have no idea the frequency with which back-up comes in handy for me," Jessica said, with a slightly wry smile. She kind of wished it didn't come up so frequently. She sometimes questioned the degree to which she ended up relying on people for help. Surely functional herohood -- heck, adulthood -- was meant to entail less of that, more pure independence?

Still, not going to turn it down. Besides, she had that kernel of an idea she was tinkering with. No SHIELD in Darrow, no Ultimates, no anything of that nature. Lots of heroes, no teams as such, so far. She thought maybe that could do with fixing.

"So be aware of what you're letting yourself in for."