i was a lonely soul, but that's the old me

[willowed]

Nuriko had been smiling all day, and now all she wanted to do was tear her expression off entirely. That wasn't how this was supposed to go, right?

Three days ago, the gigai that Urahara Kisuke had promised her was completed. As instructed, most of the body didn't differ in the slightest from the one Nuriko had grown up with — her features were untouched, her figure still slender. Slight curves were applied to the rest, lending it that feminine softness that no amount of careful movement could have grasped fully. Looking at it had been like both staring at a piece of art and examining a corpse alike.

Strange, how being born anew had almost felt like saying goodbye to herself.

The first couple of days were faced with bright optimism. Yes, everything about Nuriko's day was a little clumsier with her center of balance suddenly thrown. Some of her clothes no longer fit, and she had yet to master heels again. But these were all pains easily suffered in the wake of having the body that she had wanted for so long, that she had been willing to beg Miaka to help her obtain. Right?

It wasn't that Nuriko wanted to turn time back. It wasn't that she regretted the choice. But every morning felt like being chained in an unfamiliar host, and that ownership that she expected of her body had yet to settle. Not wanting to disturb Rin with the anxiety in her chest, Nuriko had taken the night off work and ran off in the direction of the boardwalk, arms wrapped around herself as she tried to catch her breath.

At least the sun dipping down under the horizon was familiar.

Comments

[herownway]

Her last delivery of the day had been to the edge of town, and rather than swing back home immediately she'd gone in the other direction, instead, out to the beach where there were no buildings to climb.

Sometimes she watched people, and it was easier to pretend like she was just like everyone else if she was down here, passing people on the boardwalk, and not just watching them go past from a vantage point on a rooftop, or hanging from the side of a building.

Probably why she usually preferred those options, though.

But it had worked out, just now, because she'd just spotted Nuriko, around whom she felt a strange kind of normal.

I don't know if that's despite the fact she's superstrong and body-shopping, or because of it. Probably the latter.

Right now, though, she mostly just looked upset, and Jessica sped up. She never could stay away from distress. "Hey there, you. Is everything okay?"

[willowed]

Startled by the sudden presence of another person, Nuriko glanced up with wide eyes, only relaxing marginally when she realized who it was. For some reason, her lungs still felt like they were screaming for air. Like she couldn't get a full breath. Maybe it had to do with the fact that her arms were wrapped tightly around her ribcage and shoulders.

She didn't seem quite capable of letting go, though.

"I, um. I'm wearing the new body right now. Test drive," Nuriko said, looking up with a strained smile and a slight tremor in her lips. "I've been fine with it all day, I've been fine with it the whole week so far. But suddenly, now I can't stop shaking. I don't know why. Suddenly, it just feels like a lot."

There was a strange itch on her face. Lifting her hand to scratch by her nose, Nuriko was slightly surprised to find that her fingertips were wet upon pulling them back. She furiously rubbed at her eyes with the back of her hand.

"I'm not unhappy, really. Just... scared."

[herownway]

Oh. Oh. She saw the difference now, she thought. That'd do it. She felt a sudden rush of sympathy, and not just sympathy but empathy. Thinking suddenly of when she'd first woken up. Of Ben Reilly telling her -- pretending at sympathy but having neither that nor empathy, full only of his own self-satisfaction at what he and all his fellow empty lab coats had done -- that she must be very confused, but that it would all be okay because someone was coming to strip out her mind and replace it with something else. With someone else.

It hadn't been a fun day.

That hadn't happened, obviously. She'd kept everything, her whole... her. And if she hadn't, she'd be someone else, someone who couldn't empathize with what Nuriko was dealing with. So sometimes things worked out, in their own crazy strange way.

"I can see how that would be," she said, placing a careful, reassuring hand on Nuriko's back. "You've got a lifetime of sense memory, of experience that doesn't match up with what you're feeling now. Everything's put together slightly differently. Simple things-- it's different when you walk. Heck, when you breathe. Even your skin feels different. And even though you know that this body is yours you start-- you think, it feels wrong and then you can't stop thinking about it. What if it always does? And there's nowhere to go to get away from the feeling, because you can't crawl out of yourself."

She broke off, suddenly, realizing that had just kind of flooded out of her, less a studied statement and more a recited remembrance, and maybe not immediately helpful besides. She'd find something more helpful to say, she knew she had it, she just needed to collect heself. Try to be a little less revealing about it.

Yeah, great job so far.

[willowed]

The weight on her back helped. Its presence was like a constant reminder to breathe, almost as though it were Jessica forcing Nuriko's chest down, then back up. Down, then back up. Even though sitting in her body still didn't feel anything like the comfort Nuriko had growing up, at least she no longer felt like she was treading water. With a slight tremor in her arms, Nuriko rested her forehead against her knees. When she was curled up, the differences were less obvious.

Maybe someday, she'd be proud of them, like she had been in the first minute or two of switching bodies.

"That's it," she whispered, looking up and resting her cheek against her arms, allowing herself to face Jessica fully. "Logically, I know I'm still me. It's the same soul that's in here. It's not like all of my past experiences just vanished or anything; I carry them with me, even with my shoulders being a little narrower. But. It's the little things I didn't expect. Who knew that breathing would feel differently? Doesn't everyone breathe? Doesn't everyone sleep? Aren't those supposed to be things you do without even thinking about it? Maybe that's why it's worse, I — I can't stop thinking about it. How everything's off. And I don't know if it'll ever stop feeling that way. I don't know if I was just playing dress-up before, I, I feel like I'm so fake."

Sniffling once, Nuriko tried to swallow down the lump in her throat, passing her fingers across her face again to wipe away the dampness.

"You explained it perfectly. How?"

[herownway]

"I don't suppose you'd believe I'm a good guesser?" she said, but even as she said it she knew at a basic, fundamental level that if she needed to tell Nuriko to convince her that this feeling wouldn't last forever, she would do so in a heartbeat.

She'd have the responsibility.

So I guess not all power is spider-based. Some of it's just having been through a thing.

"Or that... I know a thing or two about a thing or two. And one of those things is that it does get better. You'll go a few minutes without thinking about the things you can't stop thinking about now, without comparing and noticing and seeming wrong, and then more than a few. And you'll realize you did, and at first it'll be kind of a panic, shit, now I'm thinking about it again, but as it gets longer and longer you think, I didn't think about it for a whole hour. It'll feel good, realizing that. And your brain likes things that feel good, and it's a strange and adaptable creature, and it gets longer, and... it gets better? It gets better."

[willowed]

"You know, I'm not the brightest person ever. There is a lot of stuff that just... slips by me, usually because I'm too busy thinking about something else. I'm not good at seeing the big picture. Just what's around me. But you're right, that didn't sound like a guess at all," Nuriko said, trying to even out her breath. Her body was still hunched over her knees, and Nuriko didn't think she'd have the strength in her knees necessary to stand up right then. But it hurt a little less. Having someone else to focus on, someone with real advice that resonated squarely in her chest, took some of the pain away.

Nuriko sniffled, and gave in to another couple of sobs. Helplessly, she rooted around in her pockets for a handkerchief.

"If you don't want to tell me more, that's okay. I trust you anyway, you know," she said, voice quavering. "Even though I'm dying to know how you get it. Well. Maybe dying isn't the best word for it when I'm feeling like this." She offered a helpless laugh, rubbing at the back of her neck.

[herownway]

She rubbed Nuriko's back for a moment, then shifted her arm to loop around her shoulders and hug her a little. Just saying a thing would be all right was never going to be the magic bullet that made it all right right now, because that magic bullet didn't exist.

Maybe it was for the best. She'd never been much for magic. Or bullets, for that matter.

"It's kind of a complicated story, and not all of it is my story," she said. "But maybe it'd help you think about things that aren't, um, unfortunate phrasing."

[willowed]

Not one to refuse physical comfort, Nuriko sighed quietly before resting her head against Jessica's shoulder. Her body still felt wound too tight, and aching in the wake of the panic, but she was able to start wiping away the tears on her cheeks. Most of them were already dried, leaving behind a slight itchiness to her skin that she rubbed vigorously against.

"I'm okay with complicated stories. And I promise not to share it like it's mine to give," Nuriko said, raising her head briefly and letting her gaze wander over Jessica's expression.

[herownway]

That's that, then.

Truth be told, she'd never had as much reason to hide it as others. Here she actually had more reason than before, since she was rooming with Miles, and outing herself could lead back to him. But she thought of Nuriko as a superhero, even if she didn't know if that was how Nuriko thought of herself, and that meant a certain extension of trust.

Not to mention she just plain found that she trusted her for reasons having nothing to do with career choice.

"Well then," she said, thinking of how best to put it. She settled on something direct and with a flick of her fingers caught a rock with a web from the tip of her index finger. With another flick, she flipped it into her hand, where she squeezed it hard enough that it broke in two. "Let's start by saying my body isn't exactly standard issue, either."

[willowed]

Nuriko blinked, her eyes wide as they followed the progress of the rock and the spidery threads which shot out from Jessica's finger. The distraction worked instantly — drawing her chin up and shoulders stretching from where they'd been previously hunched, she pointed from one spot to the other repeatedly. As though she could replay the entire exchange with a point of her finger.

"Wha — wait — ah." Nuriko's gaze finally locked on Jessica's hair, which fell around her shoulders in soft waves, the strands thick and shiny.

"...well, now I feel. Foolish," she admitted, wondering how she hadn't been able to make the connection. Her cheeks colored. "Sorry. I don't mean anything against you, it's just, I didn't suspect. Not even for a moment." She raised a hand to her lips, pressing slightly against her mouth as she stared.

[herownway]

"Hey, don't bea- don't worry about it," she said, making a hurried gesture, as if she could wave off feelings of foolishness. "It's a secret identity because of the, you know, the being a secret thing. You're not meant to suspect. Lots of people also don't."

I mean, I hope. I might not always be the best at secret identities but since I'm going that way for the moment, I hope I am managing it okay.

[willowed]

"You're lucky that your hair is a color that's pretty common around here. I'd get spotted in a heartbeat if I tried that," Nuriko blurted out, still stuck on how she hadn't been able to make the connection. Because really, that hair was worth envying on multiple levels. After a couple of seconds spent staring, Nuriko smiled widely, suppressing a laugh.

Of all the possible distractions to keep her from thinking too much of herself, this took the cake.

"You must think I'm a huge weirdo. First I break into City Hall with you, and then I talk to you about breasts and changing my body and now we're here," she stammered, unable to keep a small grin off her face. Her body still felt shaky, but her chest felt warm and safe. "So, your powers... were you born with them?"

[herownway]

She put up her hand, thumb and index finger a short distance apart, as if to say a little bit to the huge weirdo comment, but with a slightly playful bent to her face, in amongst the reflection.

"No, I- I, um, actually, I wasn't technically born, in the traditional sense," she said. "I am the product of an illegal genetic cloning experiment. So now who's the huge weirdo?"

[willowed]

"Those are all... pretty foreign words to me," admitted Nuriko with a slight wince. She had watched enough television to have heard about genetics, and cloning sounds vaguely familiar as well. But it was still beyond Nuriko, more fantastical than concrete in her mind, and she imagined it wasn't solely because she was from the past.

She just wasn't much of a scholar.

"But I can guess what it means. An experiment sounds like you were made, not born. To me, that's just so beyond the realm of possible," admitted Nuriko, resting her cheek against her knee. "I guess that means they were trying to design those powers into you?"

[herownway]

"I am... I'm a thing that they made, yes," she said, dropping the pieces of the rock and scrubbing her hand against her slacks, staring at a random patch of beach for a moment. "They were trying to make themselves a copy, their own version, of an existing superhero -- a male superhero -- one they could control. Which, um, did not work out for them."

[willowed]

"Well, we're all made, aren't we? In one way or another. They just tried hard to design you to be the exact way they wanted, which..." Nuriko narrowed her eyes, shaking her head. She didn't like the sound of it, even though it was hard to articulate why. Was there something wrong or immoral about trying to shape a person in a certain way?

Yes, if it meant they wanted a tool.

"I'm glad it didn't work out for them. Each person should get to be their own person. They should be the first person to determine their destiny. People don't belong to other people." Nuriko lowered her head, resting the side against her knees. "At least, not like that. Was it hard, getting away from them?"

[herownway]

She hadn't ever exactly thought of it like that. She tended to focus on the ways in which she was different, that random chance had never factored in, that she'd never grown. At least, not in the traditional way. In a jar didn't count.

Even if she'd have liked to think of it as just a different way of getting there, she couldn't.

"They were messing with a lot of things, and one of their things messed back," Jessica said. "As inevitably happens. In the chaos me and the other clones got out. Getting out was the easy part. Being out... not so much."

She felt a little like she was talking an awful lot about herself for someone who'd sat down to comfort someone else, but turning the conversation back would be kind of counter-productive, she thought maybe. It'd possibly just crash her back into thinking about her problems.

[willowed]

"Well, living's always the hardest part. For anyone, I think, and... probably even more so for someone who hasn't had all those years to build a place for herself," Nuriko murmured, observing Jessica's expression briefly before finding a spot on her shoulder again, resting her temple there. She'd always been a fan of tactile contact. All the talking in the world couldn't achieve the same amount as an embrace, or the simple presence of another person.

She wondered if Jessica ever felt lonely. On the whole, she seemed like a bright, social woman. Nuriko never would have guessed that something like this was etched into her past.

"If it matters to you at all, you pass well. As someone who's independent, strong, has life under control. And I don't think I've felt this calm since the moment I entered this body," she added, letting her eyes slide to a close, and focusing on the steady pulse of her heart. "Makes me wish I could do something for you, too. Better than throwing some clothes haphazardly your way." She giggled at the memory.

[herownway]

Pass well. She'd like it if that was actually the case, but she'd settle for that, she thought, as about the best she could manage. She'd settle for faking it convincingly.

"Clothes, bras, just an unending garment-thrusting situation," she said, with a little smile, tipping her head to rest her cheek on the top of Nuriko's head. "Which I'm glad to help with. Because boy howdy was my first bra-shopping experience an awkward one. I mean I had no idea. Fifteen years of memories of boy clothes."

[willowed]

"I do have the advantage of having worn women's clothing for years. I'm actually not uncomfortable in boy's clothing, either... that's why this whole situation's hard," confessed Nuriko with a shrug of her shoulder, rubbing her palm against her cheek. "I feel like I'm both, you know? That there is a man in me, and a woman in me, and I like that. I like being able to be who I want to be, when I want to be. Filling out employment forms isn't easy, because there isn't always an 'other' checkbox."

She chuckles under her breath, leaning forward until her forehead rests against her knees.

"I was a brother to my siblings for the first nine years. Then my sister died, and from then on, it just felt like I couldn't live as one person. I had to live for her, too, and I did that for so long that at some point, it just became another part of me. Being a woman."

[herownway]

"Wow," she said, squeezing Nuriko's shoulder, because that was about as intelligent a comment on that as she could manage. The other stuff she had experience with, but this part was entirely new on her. Identifying as a girl had been such a help in separating herself in her head from Peter, she thought she might have gone insane if she'd had to resolve something like that. But that was just her.

"So it really is a tough choice, huh? It's not just... getting the right body, like if you were a woman in a man's, it's an actual decision, because it could be either?"

[willowed]

"Yeah. For a long time, I was really convinced that I was just a woman in a man's body. I didn't hate my body or anything, but I was always falling in love with men, and men who... wanted women. So that's why my original body became inconvenient," she shared with a small smile. Now that she was looking at it all in retrospect, it was pretty simplistic reasoning. But Nuriko also didn't feel entirely separated from it.

It made her wonder how much weight she put into the fact that Rin was also someone who probably preferred being with a female body.

"But after a while, I realized, when I'm not thinking about other people... they're both there. Nuriko the man, Nuriko the woman. And I stopped becoming so desperate about wanting to change myself. It became easier to accept other people, too. This might sound terrible, but it became easier not to have a choice once I realized who I was. Now, I'm wondering how I can do this and still say that I loved myself as I was then. It's all getting tangled up in here." Nuriko tapped a finger against her temple.

[herownway]

"I think -- I don't know, I'm no expert -- but I think, I don't know, being a person is all about change, right? Every moment you're alive you're becoming something new."

It was how she'd always managed, after all, that line of thought. She wasn't Peter Parker. She was Jessica Drew. And Jessica Drew was less Peter Parker and more her every moment that passed.

"It doesn't mean what came before wasn't you, yeah? And- so maybe that applies, even when the change is a little more extreme. Like getting a new haircut doesn't mean you hated the old haircut."

She paused. "...I do feel like that severely understates the issues at hand so, um, maybe ignore the haircut analogy. Strike that."

[willowed]

Nuriko blinked for a moment before dissolving into laughter, reaching out to tuck some of Jessica's hair behind her ear.

"No, it's a perfect analogy. I've never liked making out the things that happen in my life to be heavy. The people who are able to laugh at what happens in their lives and treat it more lightly are... the happier people, I think," Nuriko said, nodding to herself. For the sake of everyone who had been in her life and had passed, Nuriko felt it was better to smile and enjoy the time she was given.

Raking her fingers one last time through her hair, Nuriko rose to her feet and leaned down to hold out a hand. The speed of the movement made her dizzy, but even that felt fitting. The sort of giddiness that came with cementing a new friendship.

"You shouldn't call yourself a thing, you know. I don't think I'm capable of loving things quite this much."

[herownway]

She froze in the middle of taking Nuriko's hand to help herself to her feet, and had to look away from a moment, squinting eyes suddenly stinging.

"I don't know, that one lady married the Eiffel Tower," she said as she resumed getting to her feet, trying for lightness but having to work to get every word out, just about.

"Um," she added, and put an arm around Nuriko for an awkward one-armed hug. "Thank you, though."

[willowed]

"I don't even know what the Eiffel Tower is," laughed Nuriko, finding more of her strength and hugging Jessica tightly around her shoulders. She could hear a tightness in Jessica's words, but it didn't seem like the bad sort. Just... overwhelmed with happiness, perhaps.

Nuriko felt pretty overwhelmed herself then, and by the time she pulled back from the hug, she was rubbing at the corners of her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Why are you thanking me? I should be thanking you. But, you know... I used to be in the hero business. Kinda. So if you ever want someone to have your back when you're out there saving everyone."

She smiled, raising a shoulder.

[herownway]

"You have no idea the frequency with which back-up comes in handy for me," Jessica said, with a slightly wry smile. She kind of wished it didn't come up so frequently. She sometimes questioned the degree to which she ended up relying on people for help. Surely functional herohood -- heck, adulthood -- was meant to entail less of that, more pure independence?

Still, not going to turn it down. Besides, she had that kernel of an idea she was tinkering with. No SHIELD in Darrow, no Ultimates, no anything of that nature. Lots of heroes, no teams as such, so far. She thought maybe that could do with fixing.

"So be aware of what you're letting yourself in for."